the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
should my penis look like a turkey
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
