just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
