Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
