Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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