i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
