Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
