Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
