ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
