right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize