Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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