my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
