so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Randomize
