So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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