we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
