my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
BRING THE BAGELS
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
