Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
