he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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