are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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