Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
