We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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