Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
