I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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