If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
