Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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