I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize