my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
