Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
