I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
