Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
