Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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