Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
