So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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