Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
