dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
