So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
