That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
