Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
