you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
