My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
