I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
