I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's blow job season.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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