So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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