oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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