I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
