I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize