My liver just broke up with me...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize