I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I think I just sharted jello shots
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