3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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