I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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