My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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