seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
