When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
