my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
