he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
