I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
