Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
