It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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