Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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