You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
