And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
