So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
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